The "L" words (bliss, sacrifice or despair)

Yeah, I know.. I rarely express my feelings or opinions on the "L" words openly. Nope, I'm not a homo.. (Tak nak tergolong dalam kaum Nabi Luth, Nauzubillahiminzalik). Just that I feel that its really personal to me and that's why, I rarely discuss (in details) on my relationships or affairs with anyone (even with my best friends.. exception to my younger sister, Ija because we're really close)...

What makes my sudden outburst of emotional flows was teasing by few of my colleagues and closed friends saying “Your attitude makes people (in this context, guys) afraid to get to know you laaa. Tak kahwin ko nanti”. Yes, I admit that peeps who don’t know me well enough, will have these kind of first impression of me – “Garangnyer budak nie”, “Ice-queen type of girl” and etc. But, the truth is I’m not. The real things is, I don’t know how to make/take the first step (especially in relationship). From my own observation, peeps that are now my buddies make the effort to get know me first. (Yeah, they’re really patient with my tantrums / songeh.. ehehehe.. Thanks guys). And as fair exchange, I returned them a sincere friendship.

About the “L” words, it needs two people to make it. (Tak guna bertepuk sblh tgn, menyeksakan dua belah pihak). The most important is, “L” word shouldn’t be base on these forbidden reasons: lust, greed, envy, revenge, solitude, fun, beauty or etc. My philosophy of the “L” words are, it’s like waiting a bus at the bus station. There is many type of bus that I can ride on. But, when I want to take the first bus, it might be full with passengers. The next one is an old bus, with no air conditioner. The third one might be dirty and dusty. The next bus the engine broken down. Yes, I’m aware that if I kept being choosy I might not get a ride at all.

In the scenario that I’ve already got a ride, but I have to get down somewhere off my destination due to some raison d'être; I will get down. I’ll be waiting there for a time, hoping the same bus will fetch me and send me off to my destination. For me, the “L” word doesn’t mean that we have to be with that person. Sometimes, letting go of that person is also a way to show the “L” words.

Hmm… I would be stupid if I kept waiting for ages for that bus to pick me up. If another reliable bus coming along after my confinement, I will not hesitate to take a ride. (It would be self-abusive if I not do so. Myself deserve a second chance.) But, if the first bus mange to catch-up with the current bus I’m riding and invited me back to him: I would say this to him “I’m sorry we were not meant to be together. I’ve given you ample time and it would be unfair for my current ride. So long, farewell, take care.” And to my current ride “ Thank you for taking me in.”.

However, I will explain to the second bus that he’s not in the top of my “L” list in my heart. The first is Allah, 2^nd is prophet, 3^rd is Al-Quran and angels, 4^th is my parents, 5^th is my siblings, 6^th is my family, 7^th is ‘your place’, 8^th is my friends. Can you compromise???